I've said it before, and I'll say it again. The author of the 'See Spot' series decided to branch out into fanfic. This story is written with the same eloquence and turn of phrase that those books employ, and they bring to mind a retarded, three-legged turtle trying to stumble his way along Literature Land. This fanfic isn't even funny.

Some badfic makes you laugh with its sheer idiocy. This is not one of those. This is just painful. It's sad. It's sad because you know the author probably can't help being so horribly lame, and no matter how often you slap them with Webster's and Elements of Style, learning by osmosis can never help. This is a Shakespearian TRAGEDY. I may be embellishing just a bit.

Anyway, it kicks off with Raphael being Upset. And I gotta tell you, I am sick of stories starting that way. I am sick of that trope, because it is not only overused in actual canon, it is overused to the point of horse necrophilia in fandom. What kind of healthcare program is Raph on? It's got to be some heavy-duty stuff, because the boy has probably worried and fretted and angry raged himself to an early grave. This sort of thing leaves marks, people. Won't someone think of his poor, abused blood pressure?

Where was I? Oh, right. Raphael is sitting there being upset about...wait for it...Michelangelo going topside ALONE. And Raphael isn't allowed to follow.

And that's awful.

Wait, you say! Surely if these guys are skilled and powerful ninjas and have been shown several times in canon to be capable of going out on their own and in fact do so routinely when they split up during missions, they must be used to such things by now.

Well, Raph is here to tell you no. Goddammit, no. He has to directly disobey Splinter because he knows that Mike's in some horrible trouble. They have a very close bond because Michelangelo of course thinks that Raphael is the Great Sky Mother that birthed the world, and all throughout his entire life he was practically joined to Raphael at the hip, which was really hard on account of those shells getting in the way. They're, like, BFF.

Raphael has to find Mike. Mike is gone out by himself and could possible be being savaged by any number of villains. Because of this, Raphael has to go out and search for his brother and bring him back. He has to bring him back because he's not safe outside alone, but Raphael is capable of protecting himself and therefore must bring him back. Because of this, Raph is bringing Mike back. Got it? Good.

The next scene is a little weird. It's not weird because of what is going on, but because of the sheer vague suckery of the style used. Raph follows the sultry sound of a baby wailing. He follows this sound into a compound, and this is how the order of events go: "Raph hears crying. He goes into the compound. He wonders whose baby it is. It is a turtle baby." Sounds like he's looking at a mutant turtle baby on the ground and wondering: "Oh, gosh-a-roonie! Wonder whose tyke that is?'

Now, I'd like to give our buddy Raph some credit for not being a complete imbecile here, but logically speaking, a mutant turtle baby? Unless your brothers haven't been entirely honest with you, darling, the baby is either another genetic accident or it's MIKE. Maybe he read Stuart Little too many times and thought it was entirely possible for a human to give birth to another species.

He finds out it's Michelangelo because of the conveniently-placed bandanna. I don't know about you guys, but that makes me laugh. What, did Shredder waltz over and put the kid down in a perfectly-lit alley and drape the bandanna neatly on the ground next to him? (SHREDDER WAS AN ART STUDENT. NEWS AT ELEVEN.)

So, Shredder pops up like, well, a ninja, and says that he let Stockman torture the crap out of Mike instead of, y'know...KILLING him. So, let's see. Shredder said that the toddler Mike wouldn't stop crying, so he beat him until he did. We'll pretend that turtle toddlers are kind of like human toddlers in that they still have cartilage bones and easily-breakable bodies. Why isn't Mike dead? Why didn't Raph find toddler Mike choking in a pool of his own blood? He was just beaten by a human blender! That's like sticking an orange in a real blender and putting it to pulverize and expecting it to be only slightly bruised when it comes out! That shell is not Kevlar! It is not mithril! Damn you! DAMN YOUUUU!

*foam*

Whatever, earth!logic. Moving on. Raphael is filled with a surge of brotherly protection when he looks into Mike's crystalline, innocent blue orbs. He tells the Shredder, who has curiously not slaughtered both of them on sight, that he's not going to let him touch his brother. Then, he triggers a series of explosions with a remote that he happened to have on him.

...

...Scuse me, WHAT? Did this author just completely skip over how Raphael managed to plan all of this out, set up the incendiaries and program them to detonate correctly? When did he have time while he was looking for Mike? How did he know Mike would eventually be found there? Did he just see the kid, make an elaborate trap for no apparent reason, and THEN pick the kid up? Or did someone give him a fax from the future telling him just what to do and where to set it? And if that did happen, why wasn't there some kind of Butterfly Effect business with Raph trying to tie Mike to a chair instead of letting him out on his own? OR, maybe that's why Raph was so upset when Mike left in the beginning of the chapter! Because future Shredder sent him a memo about the alien raiders sucking out his brains and making him incapable of killing a child, just like that poor Voldemort fellow!

"Raphael, by the time you read this, I will have taken your brother into my custody. Not to kill him. Oh, no, that would be too efficient. I will have beaten him and tortured him and turned him into a toddler, but I will not have killed an innocent child. The aliens installed a degenerative Censor Chip into my brain and now I can only sing songs about flowers and make praising and open-minded comments about minorities and bow before independent women. I suspect Miss O'Neil is head of the organization. Please destroy me."�

Watch your step, people, keep away from the sucking plothole.

Anyway, Raph takes the kid away, we get some touching brotherly stuff, blah blah blah. Splinter pops up behind him, because that's what ninjas do, and Raph is made to explain his actions. Not that Splinter's even the tiniest bit annoyed about Raphael breaking his orders and following his brother. In fact, it's like he's forgotten that whole deal. He's just being polite. Not that he really cares about what they do when they leave the sewers. He's not even really surprised about Michelangelo being toddler-ized. That's like, everyday life for him. Those zany kids and their wacky hijinks!

Mike wakes up and has a hairy conniption because he is now horribly afraid of rats. This is because Shredder BEAT HIM WITH A DEAD RAT. A rat, which would be extremely lightweight and small and would be more weird than actually scary. That's like someone beating you with a large hacky-sack. Is this a new kink for Shredder? Beating people with rodents? And how long could he have done it, anyway?

This makes me pause and face-palm as the situation hits me. This kid has been lost for THREE WEEKS, and Splinter and the others couldn't pull their heads out of their bland, cardboard asses long enough to whip together a decent plan? Shredder's the main suspect. He's ALWAYS the main suspect. The man's hideout isn't too hard to spot. Hello, he lives in a giant skyscraper! A skyscraper! Aren't these peabrains ninja? Can't they do espionage, assassination, stealthy recon missions? Or have they all been wandering around with big, dopey grins, looking under carpets and in vases? Did April's alien scouts give them all a brain-smoothing agent?

Ugh. Anyway, Raph shows off Mike, who talks like a Furby with a limited vocabulary, to the rest of the brothers. They don't talk. They barely react. Clearly they're being played by Orlando Bloom. (Sorry, low blow.) Mike tries to make Raph his father. The chapter ends. SUSPENSE ABOUNDS.

And that's just the first chapter. Can you all wait for the second? I mean, can you? You must be at the very edge of your seats, trembling with anticipatory glee. I know I am.

*darkly* I know I am.

I was destroyed by April's alien chips... she would make a fantastic brain-smoothing villain!!! And Shredder as an artist! Makes me think of the Technodrome... that was pure beauty.

Oh... I love it when fic pisses you off. It makes my millenium XD.

Aub

I honestly thought you were making stuff up when you started talking about the remote, but...WOW. This review about had me crying with laughter. I love you, Ivy!

EDIT: There are now six chapters up, and a peek at the second will tell anyone that this person is pretty much plagiarizing Pacphys' story Spirit. While I am not a Spirit fan, this is even worse.

Pure genius, Ivy, as usual. How did I miss this until now?

And Tori... plagiarism? Really, such language! The politically correct terms are "inspired by", or you could say it's a "tribute"!

*chortle*

Hey, Ivy... are you perhaps somewhat familiar with this phenomenon?

XOXO

Winnychan