I was still chilling in Hawaii when I received a visit from a mysterious dark stranger dressed in black. This being not unusual, I opened the door and realized my gentleman caller was indeed my ARCH NEMESIS. (No, not Kikide.) It was Badficius, the demon of badfic, come at last to drink my soul in a frosted martini glass with a sprinkling of sugar and a maraschino cherry. I gasped dramatically.

Fortunately evil can not enter your home without being allowed entrance, so Badficius kind of stood there menacingly, but not really being too frightening because, yeah, lingering in the doorway. But now I'm stuck in my winter abode being force-fed badfic through the door because of this bastard. Then there's this fic by Puldoh which was just handed to me via the mail slot in the door, called Hidden Hero. Not too frightening.

"Do you expect me to be afraid of this?" I asked him, calculating my office supplies.

"No, Ivy-chan," Badficius said in a low, evil tone, "I expect you to die."

...

...Okay, that wasn't very encouraging. But I'm gonna solder on and read this anyway. The summary says:

Leo noticed a difference in Mikey, he was silent. He would hide his screams at night when he woke from a nightmare. Wanting to help his brother, he spoke to him, but being Ambushed showed them Mikey kept himself Hidden, a hero in his own right no one knew

See how frightening being ambushed is in this fic? They gave it capital letters! LIKE IT'S SOMEONE'S NAME! And same thing with hidden! It's not just hidden, it's Hidden, which is like super-ass hidden in the darkness of Mt. Hides-a-Lot under the couch cushions of Fuck-Where-Are-My-Keys! That kind of hidden! You know what else is hidden? The real characters. I read this story and wonder where those guys went. Man, this author is ingenius.

Anyway, the story starts out with Leo being oh my god so worried about Mike. Mike is smiling a lot, laughing, and acting like he's perfectly normal and happy. When actually Leo is totally aware of the secret pain Mike is carrying around. (Is it just me, or does Mike have an awful lot of secret pain? I keep picturing the ghost of old Marley-style chains and boxes and shit dragging around. Don't be like me! Release your wangsty burden! If you don't let go of your emo in life you will be forced to WEAR IT LIKE JEWELRY in death!)

The story sucks at pacing and exposition. Like, sucks like a two-dollar whore sucks. We get plopped straight in the middle of...something. The author gives us a brief run-by of what has happened that is exactly as helpful as it is informative. It's as helpful as a chocolate teapot. That's not very useful.

We see this is BTTS-verse because Don is apparently angry and they are back from the future and Splinter is missing, but Raph is running off with Casey all the time. Apparently this leaves Mike to his own devices and he's kidnapped by Bishop and goes through Hell for seven hours. Not undercase hell, but Hell with capital letters and all the insinuations that go with it. Like Teletubbies reruns and people hooking up wires to his brain that make him sexually attracted to petunias.

So, Leonardo, who totally understands everything that's going on and grasps Mike's pain because he likes to stalk him and watch him scream at night...he decides to go and tell Mike that he must tell everyone the story of his suffering to keep from being Mikey, the emo ghost, the wankiest ghost they know. Only Mike is all closed-in and intense and he's like: "No, I can't. I'm Spiderman and they'll hunt you, too."

Wait. Wrong suck plot.

Anyway, before Leo can persuade him to reveal his secret identity, they are conveniently and suddenly attacked by Hun. And here's where we really can tell between badfic and goodfic. In goodfic, a villain sounds evil. In badfic, a villain sounds like they're trying to be evil by reading a script, posing dramatically, cackling like a lunatic, and taking notes from Snidely Whiplash. This is sheer, moustache-twirling, train-track-tying villainy of the highest order, where Hun calls out that he is the enemy of all turtlekind! Destroyer of worlds! Killer of doors! Collector of fine satin! (Never mind that last bit.) And apparently he works for Bishop. I don't watch BTTS, so this could be the case. IS it the case? If not, whoa. Stockman works for Bishop. Do we get the lame rivalry again?

So, they're getting their asses handed to them big-time when Mike suddenly tunes in to the groovy vibes of fifth season. Oh yeah, he realizes, I can use chi powers.

OH SHIT.

SHITSHIT.

Okay guys, I can tell you this for sure. If one of the guys starts using chi powers, the story is fucked up the ass sideways with a razor blade-lined flagpole. There is no way that any author I have ever read uses chi powers well. Those glowy tattoos spell instant calamity and story uber-phail. It phails even more when Mike acknowledges that he needs no magical focus stone to use his chi powers, because his kung fu is superior.

Seriously, I love this concept. I LOVE the concept that Mike has stronger chi. I just NEVER see it done well, and it pisses me off because it could be so goddamn good! But no! We never see good! We are left in the wasteland of idiocy, Dragonball Z power-ups, and wacky orange power that leaves nothing but awesome it its path!

ARGH I EAT A GEL PEN.

Ahem. So. Mike powers up and claps his hands together to release an epic wave of kickass in the orange palette. It breaks the sound barrier and knocks the enemies off their feet.

...

Please hold while the operator dies laughing.

Okay, seriously? He claps his hands? Do you know how many bad jokes you can make for this? CLAP ON! CLAP OFF! You're in good hands with super-Mikey! CLAP IF YOU BELIEVE! I DO BELIEVE IN FAIRIES. I DO, I DO!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I HAVE TO LAUGH OR I WILL CRY.

Anyway, the villains are defeated and his brothers don't even bat an eye at the uber-clap. Instead, they kind of mumble that they'll go home soon and start tending each other's injuries. But Mike won't stand for that, because he's got this noble fear for the safety of his family and this spider-sense that Bishop is coming. Don't ask me HOW, he just does. So, he thinks happy thoughts and sends them to Neverland.

No, I'm serious.

Michelangelo concentrates, presumably on happy things like whiskers on kittens and paper packages covered in string, and everyone is filled with his warm, orange, glowing chi that makes them feel full of joy and happiness and laughter and relief. NO, SERIOUSLY. And with a pleasant tingling like a mist of rain, they find themselves at home.

Is Mike a fucking fairy? Is he the queen of the fairies all of the sudden? Is he an angel? AGAIN? Can't his super-chi make them think of Super Mario Brothers and taste like nachos or something? WTF is this light mist of rain? It makes me think of an air freshener or a kind of soap!

YOU'RE NOT FULLY CLEAN UNLESS YOU'RE MIKEFULLY CLEAN.

AND SMOOTH.

Ahem. And that's the end of chapter one.

You know what, I am not defeated yet. Not yet! Badficius, you have failed to smite me! I am strong! AHAHAHAHAHA! MAD! THEY SAID I WAS MAD! BUT I SHALL SHOW THEM ALL!

...This has been Badfic Review Theater. Thank you all for coming.

Stop giving me ammo for icons Ivy! You're killin' me here!

*dies and is dead*

*DIES*

No, thank YOU, Ivy-chan!

*applauds*

Dude, I just swallowed my cigarette laughing! In revenge, I'm bribing Badficious to stay at your door...

Seriously, that's brilliant. Although my personal icon-quote would be "I DO believe in faries!" And now I have the urge to write glowing chi-Mike stories.

*DIES and no longer has to feel the burns on her tongue*

*dies*

Oh, I am so jealous. I want to be MIKEFULLY CLEAN, too!

For some reason, that sentiment gave me such wrong images...

LOL! Oh my god. I think emo ghost, EAT A GEL PEN, and MIKEFULLY CLEAN are the best!

And so staying away from that story. It tempts me with badness but if you ate a gel pen...no.

Dude, just- YOU are best reviewer EVER. XD

AND I am finally allowed to SAY IT! Haha!

And on another note, kick up your heels and celebrate. It's been discontinued.

Yeah, along with like a dozen other Puldoh fics. She was even kind enough to RE-POST EVERY. SINGLE. FREAKING. ONE. Now with wangsty "Oh it's so hard, I cannot keep writing" summaries. THE FRONT PAGE WAS FULL OF WANGST. I think I nearly had a heart attack and DIED. T'WAS A TERROR UNLIKE ANYTHING I HAVE EVER KNOWN.

Maybe I shouldn't be so harsh. But then again, MAYBE I SHOULD.

Wow, it's so ironic how puldoh abandoned all of her story due to "writer's block". Does anyone else detect the irony in that??

I'm sure we don't have long to wait before a new wave of drivel hits the front pages. *sigh*

KT

I love reading your reviews, the humour just kills me!